Perspective

Perspective is everything. There's a common belief in recovery that one cannot change their past but must learn to accept it for what it is/was. I found this useful in early recovery because I was so ashamed of my past and how I had behaved, I wanted to bury it and never look at it again. I wanted to pretend it never happened. I was gently guided to the realization that in order to make peace with my difficult and unskilled past, I must first accept it. Accept it fully with all its bumps and bruises? What a concept. However, even though I was reluctant to do this and frankly, didn't believe this was the way to go, I was so desperate for any kind of peace that I decided to listen and took the steps necessary to achieve this. The process is to work the steps, acknowledge my unskillful behavior so I can let go of the shame I feel. What resulted from this process besides being able to find peace with "what is" is the belief that even though I can't change my past, I can change my interpretation of it. No longer do I beat myself up for past behaviors because I know it was the best that I could do at the time, with the skills I had. There are plently of people who argue that I could have done "better". I would counter that if I could have done anything different, I would have.

I think we all do the best we can with what we have at the moment. I doesn't do any good to beat myself up or judge something in the past as inadequate. All that does is feed my low self-esteem. So, if you think you have a crappy past ... then you do. You can choose to change your perception anytime. Why not now?

Self care

What is self care? Does it mean I feel safe and loveable enough to take care of myself? I think the idea of giving myself what I want and need confuses me because I've spent so many years focusing on others and their responsibilities. I have lost the knowledge (belief) that its okay to take care of myself. God forbid I might be selfish!!

I struggle with the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, that others somehow know how to do that and I don't. This belief keeps me from the serenity I seek. I heard someone say once, "I learn what I believe by speaking." This is why I find tremendous comfort and relief in sharing at meetings. It doesn't matter if anyone understands or agrees. What matters is that I say these things out loud so I know what I believe. I can change anything that I acknowledge. I'll never know what it is unless I say it.

There is no recipe or formula for working these things out. There is no guidebook for learning self care. I have a guide in me, the intuition I regularly ignore knows what to do. I practice the new behaviors even though they make me uncomfortable. I can listen to the quiet voice that tells me when I'm off track, when I'm out of my mind and into yours. I can trust that I am being led. I except I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

 What can I do right now to take care of myself?

Wishful thinking...

I have this habit of wishful thinking. I think this prevents me from experiencing serenity. I wonder where and when I acquired this tendency but I suppose it doesn't mattter because I have it regardless. It's not terribly useful to fantasize about having some other life than my own. Would I be different in that life? Would I be more like you? Would I be happier? This type of thinking reminds me of the NA slogan: "Wherever you go, there you are." So, knowing this, and I believe that I can't have the life I want (even if its yours) unless I do the work to change, its puzzling that I stick to the wishful thinking stuff. When I deconstruct it further, I couldn't possibly know what your life is like without being "in" you. I'm hopelessly stuck in comparing my insides to your outsides and falling short of how I think things "should" be.

I'm a work in progress that's for sure. Two years ago, when I started looking at my codependency patterns, I had no idea what I believed or that I was a wishful thinker. I acted unconsciously and was unaware of why I behaved and reacted the way I did. Awareness is my key to change because I can't change anything if I don't know I'm doing it.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. At least, that's what they say.

A plethora of Birthdays.

Today, I turned 53. Wow, I think, what a number. I don't mind being 53. The only thing that catches my atttention is I don't feel 53. At least what I think 53 should feel like. Mostly other 53's seem older, less active, more mature than me.

There are several interesting things that come to mind regarding April 6: 1) When I turned 11, my birthday was on Easter Sunday. It seems, statistically, that should happen more often in 53 years but it doesn't. This year got close. 2) My previous recovery sponsor of 12 years (Hi Anne) had her anniversay on this day, which made it super easy to remember. My current sponsor (Hi Jeanine) has her recovery anniversay on this day as well. Happy 16 dear heart. What are the chances? If I wasn't so mathmatically lazy, I would attempt to figure out those odds. Actually, the more I think about it, the less I would like to do that.

Another celebration to note is the demise of Suvanna's tumor. Good riddance. The last several months have been enlightening to say the least. The journey towards accepting death as a part of life was difficult. I don't know if I was completely in acceptance of my sister's untimely death but I came close and learned a lot about accepting things as they are not how I wish they were.

When someone relapses...

I work in recovery and sadly relapse is a normal and quite common occurrence in the population we treat. However, on Saturday,a co-worker of mine thought it was a good idea to drink herself into oblivion and return to the sober living home she manages. The residents became aware of her inebriation and became quite upset. Needless to say that when an employee does this they must be let go. Not only does this women lose her job but she also loses her place to live. The disease of addiction can sneak up on anyone. It pays to remain diligent, even if one has years and years of recovery, like me.

The relapse of my colleague brings up a dearth of emotion for me. First, I feel anger. I'm mad at the disease and I'm mad at my friend. Second, I am afraid. This woman seemed very solid and focused in her recovery. I had (still do as a matter of fact) a lot of respect for her and frequently went to her for advice and counsel. I look at this decision she made and am flummoxed by it. How does this happen? Is it as simple as choosing the drink over recovery in a moment of weakness? Or is it more complicated than that? I teach relapse prevention, and it's a process more than an event. There are certain, identifiable behaviors that if caught early on, can be corrected. Picking up a drink is the last thing that happens in the process. Was this preventable? Probably not, ultimately my recovery is up to me.

In AA there is a saying: There but for the grace of god go I.

Coming Home to the OC

The flight home was uneventful. For dinner I had an apple and a bag of M & M's. I felt sad leaving my sisters. When I was younger and we all lived with my Dad, it was a love / hate sort of thing. It has evolved into a love thing. My sisters are my best friends.

Going back to work was a real chore. Waking up at 5:30 this morning left me feeling tired until 3:00 pm. I adapted quickly to the hard as rock bed that allowed me to sleep for 10 hours each night. Oh how I long for the lost days of unemployment. Here's a big F - U to the almighty dollar. I am so not into this.

A Rainy Day in San Francisco

The plan was to go Thrift Shopping which normally is pretty good here because there are a number of Thrift Stores within walking distance of Suvanna's house. But today was not meant to be that day. We got started on our sojourn but Mother Nature brought cold rainy weather and we ended up in the video store instead. Being from Southern California and not wanting to pay to check a bag, I did not have the accoutrements for rainy and cold. The video store here is not like the Blockbuster Stores of old. They are dens of old and new, esoteric and eccentric, foreign and domestic. The folks behind the counter are hilarious. We wanted something light, preferably comedic. Suvanna picked 50/50 which neither of us had seen. An uncommon phenom. It was about a guy (who was the younger brother on Third Rock From the Sun) who gets cancer. Great subject. Not.

Suvanna is kind of a Nurse Jackie afficianado (read "freak") so we watched season 3. What a trip. Her drug addiction and outright desperation were done well but they made some mistakes. For instance: a sherm is a Sherman cigarette dipped in PCP. They said it was a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde. Maybe that was done in New York but as far as I know formaldehyde isn't that great of a buzz. Maybe a huffer would know, that wasn't my thing. After Laura got here, we rented another movie called "I think I'm a Cyborg" which was in Korean with subtitles about a young girl committed to an institution. I don't recommend it, couldn't get through it.

There's a place on the corner of Barnett and 22nd street called Jay's Philly Cheesesteaks. They make the best seitan (gluten) sandwiches. It tastes so much like meat but isn't. Love it! Dinner was leftovers including mounds of brocolli
with homemade cheesesauce, soybean and potato curry, and brown rice.

An interesting thing has happened since I've been here. I go to bed at 10ish and wake up at 9ish. I'm sleeping on a futon that is hard as a rock and was convinced this was an untenable sleeping situation but usually I don't sleep that great and I do on this rock-like bed so should I get rid of my memory foam mattress at home and buy a rock? Decisions, decisions.

San Pedro Valley Hike

I went on the most fantastic hike today with Suvarnaprabha and Mike. About 4.5 miles round trip in the beautiful seaside town of Pacifica, near Rockaway Beach. The trail was recently rained on but not muddy nor was it dusty. At the top we dined on granola bars, apples and almonds which after trudging uphill for a couple hours felt like a royal feast. While hiking, I had some thoughts of wanting to stop and turn around. When I contemplated this, I realized I have a difficult time deciphering my wants from my needs. I resolve to pay attention to this.

Later on we walked up 24th street to Firefly where we had a fantastic birthday dinner with Jules. I ate seared yellow fin tuna, lamb soup and basmati rice pudding for dessert. The bill came to an astonishing amount and is still quite shocking to me. Recovery is slow. We meandered down to the Whole Foods Market where I became fascinated with the machine that grinds almonds into almond butter.

I truly love San Francisco and the life Suvanna has built for herself here. It makes think about the life I've built in Orange County...

Thai Massage

The last time I had a proper massage, I was in Malaysia and it lasted for 2 hours. Now normally this would be a good thing but I was unable to relax which is sort of a requirement to enjoy a massage. Being tensed up and worried about getting hurt it not the right attitude to have. Nonetheless, that's the attitude I had, and needless to say, I did not enjoy that massage much. Today, Suvarnprabha and I went to La Nee Thai Massage in the Mission and I was a little nervous to try it again but it has been 7 years and I have learned to relax much more during this time. The masseuse worked on me at medium intensity and I feel like a million bucks.