Self care

What is self care? Does it mean I feel safe and loveable enough to take care of myself? I think the idea of giving myself what I want and need confuses me because I've spent so many years focusing on others and their responsibilities. I have lost the knowledge (belief) that its okay to take care of myself. God forbid I might be selfish!!

I struggle with the belief that others are responsible for making me happy, that others somehow know how to do that and I don't. This belief keeps me from the serenity I seek. I heard someone say once, "I learn what I believe by speaking." This is why I find tremendous comfort and relief in sharing at meetings. It doesn't matter if anyone understands or agrees. What matters is that I say these things out loud so I know what I believe. I can change anything that I acknowledge. I'll never know what it is unless I say it.

There is no recipe or formula for working these things out. There is no guidebook for learning self care. I have a guide in me, the intuition I regularly ignore knows what to do. I practice the new behaviors even though they make me uncomfortable. I can listen to the quiet voice that tells me when I'm off track, when I'm out of my mind and into yours. I can trust that I am being led. I except I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

 What can I do right now to take care of myself?

Wishful thinking...

I have this habit of wishful thinking. I think this prevents me from experiencing serenity. I wonder where and when I acquired this tendency but I suppose it doesn't mattter because I have it regardless. It's not terribly useful to fantasize about having some other life than my own. Would I be different in that life? Would I be more like you? Would I be happier? This type of thinking reminds me of the NA slogan: "Wherever you go, there you are." So, knowing this, and I believe that I can't have the life I want (even if its yours) unless I do the work to change, its puzzling that I stick to the wishful thinking stuff. When I deconstruct it further, I couldn't possibly know what your life is like without being "in" you. I'm hopelessly stuck in comparing my insides to your outsides and falling short of how I think things "should" be.

I'm a work in progress that's for sure. Two years ago, when I started looking at my codependency patterns, I had no idea what I believed or that I was a wishful thinker. I acted unconsciously and was unaware of why I behaved and reacted the way I did. Awareness is my key to change because I can't change anything if I don't know I'm doing it.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. At least, that's what they say.